Wednesday.

I’m trying so hard to be strong, but thats just too hard for me now. I can’t keep pretending to get up and put on this smile and laugh and walk around like I’m perfectly fine. I’m empty, I’m lost, I don’t feel like myself. Its such an ugly feeling. I don’t even know when I let my guard down, I guess I did it without realizing. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love when I see your name pop up on my phone, especially when its to tell me that you miss me. I love the feeling of knowing that I cross your mind. But it hurts. Why can’t you just open your eyes? Stop being so damn stupid and so difficult? You don’t see whats right in front of you. YES, Of course I miss you just as much as you miss you, I probably miss you more. But I can’t allow myself to give in and run back to you unless I know things will change and my heart won’t hurt. You don’t realize how shitty I feel when I wonder what I’ve done wrong, or where I went wrong, or what I don’t have that she does, or whats wrong with me. But then I realize theres nothing wrong with me. But then I still question myself and I just never feel good enough. I re-read our texts, look at our pictures, listen to songs and imagine you dancing to them or singing to them like you do or the way you pic up an object and use it as a mic, I think about the way I eat dinner all the time at your house and It feels like home there, the way I fall asleep so easel next to you, the way I can just look at you and feel so good and warm inside, the way your kisses make my heart beat fast, the way your touch makes my skin feel perfect, or when you hold me and that moment nothing could ever feel better, or all of the little dates we went on to the movies or to eat or out anywhere at all or our sleepovers or naps or just being the lazy shits we are or listening to music and I just wonder how you could give that all up and not want it all back. Its perfect when we’re together, we have that simple perfect kind of loving that I’ve always searched for. Its so effortless, it just comes to us. I don’t understand? I really don’t get it. What do I not have? I wake up thinking about you, I think about you a million times a day, I fall asleep thinking about you. I feel so stupid that I do that. But I miss you. I want you. I love you, thats all. I can’t do this alone anymore. You used to be my best friend. Why can’t you just need me like I need you? I’m so lost. I just want you to call me and see me and just waste time away me and fix this and idk. Ugh.

I’m done with you and your bullshit. I hope your happy with her. I hope you think of me when you fuck her too. You say you don’t care anymore? If you didn’t, you wouldn’t respond back to me when I text you or you wouldn’t even try talking to me at all.. Point blank

(Source: jessicaarlene)

Ugh!

I fucking hate you and love you all at the same time. I hate this fucking game we play. It beats me up, every single day. You don’t understand that I’m just not ME without you. I’m just not. Yeah the partying and going out helped me out for some time, it kept my mind off of you, I didn’t think too much, I’d go to sleep not remembering anything, I wouldn’t feel anything! But then I’d wake up and you’d be the first thing on my mind. Wondering where you are, what you’re doing, or if I’m on your mind like you’re on mine. I know I’m dumb for going out, but you can’t blame me for running away from my problems. Its all gotten old. The running away from my feelings and trying to hide it. I can’t just keep doing the thing where I just wait to break down right before I go to sleep. I have you one day, I lose you the next, then I think you’re coming back, but you turn right back around. I hate it. It’s old. I’m tired. I’m lost. What am I supposed to do? Tell me. Help me. Your actions don’t reflect your words. I want it allllll back to the way it was before. Please. Just one more chance. I’m different. I am.